


weekend

by absolvedhistory



Series: need some more [3]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits To Lovers, Friendship, Insomnia, M/M, big time theme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-07 14:40:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20818979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/absolvedhistory/pseuds/absolvedhistory
Summary: “I never asked,” Eric says.“Yeah,” Jan laughs bitterly. He kicks the post a little too hard, hisses at himself. “You never fucking asked.”





	weekend

**Author's Note:**

> warnings  
• self-deprecating thoughts  
• unhealthy coping
> 
> also. heavily themed around mental health, obviously. i do have insomnia, but of course my experience is not universal etc!!

When Jan wakes up, it’s one in the morning, and Paulo is zipping up his jeans by the end of his bed. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, but he’s tucked in his bed, cocooned in his blanket. He feels more exhausted than he should, but he doesn’t think he will be able to fall back asleep after this. Paulo turns around like he can sense someone watching him and blinks when he notices that Jan is awake.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Paulo says, and he sounds so apologetic. Jan hates it.

“You didn’t,” Jan promises. His voice is hoarse when he speaks. It surprises himself. “I usually wake up in the middle of the night and fall back asleep.”

He doesn’t, and if he wakes up, he never goes back to sleep. 

“Oh,” Paulo sounds thoughtful. “Has this been a recent thing?”

“No,” Jan lies, turning to look at his ceiling. “I’ve always been like this.”

“I was going to say, you are getting old,” Paulo teases, and Jan knows he doesn’t mean it maliciously, but god. Jan knows he’s getting old.

“Haha,” Jan manages to muster up a sarcastic yet light tone. “Very funny, you are.”

“Um,” Jan says again when it falls silent. “Did I fall asleep during sex?”

Paulo flashes him a bright smile. “No, no. Not that old. You fell asleep right after you came, though.” Then Paulo looks sheepish. “Then, I thought I could rest my eyes for five minutes and woke up two hours later.”

“It’s fine,” Jan says quickly. With Paulo near him, Jan thinks he had the most peaceful two hours of sleep he’s had in a while. He doesn’t really want to think about it more than that, but it’s true, he doesn’t usually fall asleep until two, and he wakes up at four or five and starts his day. “We all need sleep.”

“Yes,” Paulo chuckles, and it sounds so soothing to Jan’s ears. He almost wants to ask Paulo to get back into bed, but that’s not what this is, that’s not what Jan deserves, and it’s not what Paulo needs. Soon, he will get tired of fucking around with Jan, soon he will realize there are much better looking and much more exciting people around his age, people who aren’t near the end. 

Jan is so fucking tired, but he needs, he needs this. 

“Paulo, come back to bed,” Jan says.

“You’re sure?” Paulo asks with wide eyes. 

“Yes,” Jan nods. “I want you.”

“Again?” Paulo asks. “Jan--”

“If you don’t want to--” Jan starts, because he’s not about to embarrass himself. 

“No, I want to,” Paulo says. Jan watches as he starts to undo the jeans he was already putting on again. He drops both his jeans and under. Paulo’s cock is still soft, but Jan’s mouth almost waters as he watches Paulo squeeze himself. “I want to fuck you.”

“Yeah,” Jan whispers. “Fuck, come here.”

Paulo kneels on the bed again between Jan’s already spread legs and dropped the lube on Jan’s sheets. He takes Jan’s dick in his hand and gave it a few slow strokes. It wasn’t all that interested yet, but Jan was starting to feel more aroused. Jan shifted, breath catching when Paulo twisted his wrist just so, and then went still again.

Paulo ducks his head down and takes the head of Jan's cock in his mouth. Paulo starts nice and slow, the way that Jan likes. He keeps going, not doing much more until Jan’s cock finally starts to fatten up, and Jan shifts impatiently and, ultimately, makes a noise low in his throat to indicate to Paulo that he’s ready for more. Paulo finally pulls off of him and grabs the lube.

“You don’t need to get me open,” Jan tells him. “Still probably open from earlier.”

“Yeah,” Paulo agrees, although he presses a dry thumb against Jan’s rim and then into Jan and Jan sucks in a breath. When he seems satisfied, he says, “You’re right.”

Jan watches with hunger as Paulo rips the condom wrapper open with his teeth, rolls it on oh so slowly, and lubes himself up.

And then Paulo finally lines himself up, and he slides in so easily that Jan lets out a happy sigh. He leans forward to brace his forearms on the mattress next to Jan, and he kisses him once before he gently, slowly, works his hips forward. Fucking hell, he can’t take it when Paulo kisses him.

Jan’s grateful for the slow pace because although he’s still open, although they fucked earlier, it’s still a stretch that he needs to adjust to. He’s sensitive, too, but it arouses him more than anything else. Paulo feels warm and hard and full inside of him, Jan loves it so much, he’s almost embarrassed. And Jan feels like they could do this forever, with Paulo buried in Jan. 

He’s finally used to it now, but Paulo’s still maintaining a slow pace, and Jan wants to go to sleep. 

Jan wraps his legs around Paulo’s waist. “Fuck me like you mean it,” he whispers against Paulo’s lips.

Paulo pulls out almost all the way, and god, the feeling of his cock in Jan is so stupidly good that Jan never wants it to end. And then Paulo thrusts in again, careful, and at this moment, he trusts Paulo to give him everything he needs. He wraps his arms around Paulo’s neck and lets his moans finally escape past his lips. 

“Fuck,” Paulo says into Jan’s shoulder. “You’re so —” His next thrust has a little more force to it, what Jan needs, and Paulo finally gets a faster rhythm going, and Jan finally feels like he’s getting just what he needs.

“More,” Jan begs, and he doesn’t even know what he’s asking for.

“I’m going to come,” Paulo groans out as his thrusts start to get sloppier.

“No, no, come on,” Jan begs again. This can’t be over in just mere minutes, but Paulo is panting for breath, grinding into Jan with short, quick thrusts that are making Jan go out of his mind, and he’s moaning so loud, he knows. 

Paulo gives him one last hard thrust before he goes still, shuddering in under Jan’s touch. Jan can feel when he comes. Jan is about to jerk himself off when Paulo slaps his hand away and gives his cock a few rough pulls before Jan is suddenly coming all over himself and Paulo’s fist.

After he comes to, Jan is even more exhausted. 

He wants to sleep; he needs to rest. 

“You can stay,” Jan says as he watches Paulo throw the condom in the trash bin. “Please stay.”

“Of course, Jan,” Paulo says, climbing back into the bed. Jan lets Paulo spoon him, although he’s not a fan of being held in his sleep. It’s alright though because Jan feels himself drifting off to sleep in no time.

\--

Jan wakes up, not because his body felt he had enough sleep or his brain is broken, but because Paulo’s alarm goes off and Jan feels like he could’ve gotten a full night’s rest. Holy shit. Jan watches as Paulo flails wildly for his phone with his eyes closed and still manages to 

“Good morning,” Paulo mumbles, eyes still closed.

“Let’s not do this again,” Jan says, jumping out of his bed like it’s on fire. “Staying over, I mean. You can use my shower; I’ll use the spare one.”

Paulo’s eyes finally open and he looks at Jan curiously from where Jan is standing. “Did you sleep well?”

Jan wasn’t expecting that to come out of Paulo’s mouth. “Yes.”

“That’s good,” Paulo nods, mostly to himself. “Okay, we should start getting ready.”

It started because Jan is depressed. Well, it doesn’t start like that. Jan is sure he has depression, that part is correct, but Paulo doesn’t know that. So it didn’t begin because Jan is depressed. It starts because they’re sharing a room, and Jan does self-destructive things when he’s feeling quite low. Like when he sees Paulo with a towel wrapped around his waist last season, and he somehow manages to convince Paulo that Jan is worth a lay. It makes Jan feel nothing for a good hour, and that’s when Jan realizes he needs this more than anything.

They didn’t talk over the summer, Jan pretends it’s because he was too busy spending time with Eric and their other friends, Eric is going through a hard time, Jan thinks. He had to focus on Eric. He had to make sure Eric didn’t implode on himself. He was being a good friend. Even when all Jan had to do was text back ‘i’m doing good, how are you?’. At least, Jan thinks when he sees Paulo on the first day back with the team, Paulo doesn’t bring it up. 

This is how Jan’s nights go nowadays: Now they’re here, Paulo is getting ready to go, and Jan is going to have to find something to preoccupy himself with until the sun rises. Jan wishes, that with all the fact that he cannot sleep no matter what kind of remedies that he tries he wishes he wasn’t so fucking exhausted. He wishes he had all the power in the world. It would make sense, right, that if you’re so exhausted, you can barely see, that you would be able to fall asleep as soon as your head hits your pillow. 

It’s not working for Jan. 

\--

Jan watches as Eric takes Dele home in front of everyone. 

He watches as Eric will do anything to be near the love of his life. 

Eric deserves so much, Jan thinks. Just not like this. Not like this. 

\--

“Jan?”

Jan whips his head around to find Paulo in the hotel lobby as well. It’s three in the morning.

“Paulo,” Jan greets him. “What are you doing awake?”

“I’m wondering the same thing for you,” Paulo shrugs, sitting down. Paulo looks at Jan, surveying him in a way that makes Jan sweat. Why is he being examined?

“Homesick,” Jan says, it might be right. It’s not like he can sleep either way. 

“Ah,” Paulo says. He takes a seat next to Jan on the love seat. 

“You never answered my question,” Jan presses. 

“I just went for a walk,” Paulo shrugs. “I had a lot on my mind.”

Jan blinks. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” Paulo nods. “What about you?”

“I haven’t slept since the flight,” Jan blurts out. He doesn’t know why he says it. He wasn’t planning on telling Paulo, wasn’t planning on telling anyone, to be honest.

Paulo immediately sits straighter, grabs Jan’s hand in between his own. “Jan, you--”

“I can’t sleep,” Jan says. 

“I was sitting beside you,” Paulo frowns. 

Jan closes his eyes. He was hoping that Paulo wouldn’t remember that. But of course he would, what a stupid thought for Jan to have. 

“Yeah,” Jan swallows.

“That’s not good, Jan,” Paulo says.

Jan takes a deep breath instead of responding because he would have definitely been snappish, would’ve told Paulo thank you for the obvious, Paulo.

“Do you want to go back upstairs?” Paulo asks. “With me?”

“Um--” Jan blinks.

“We don’t have to do anything,” Paulo says. “But you look like you shouldn’t be alone, right now.”

“I'm fine,” Jan rolls his eyes. “I’ve been--” He bites his tongue before he can finish. I’ve been doing this by myself for months now. I haven’t been able to sleep properly since July.

“You should get in bed at least,” Paulo insists. “I’m going up and you should, too.”

“Okay,” Jan says. 

Jan lets Paulo guide him toward the elevators, when they get inside, Jan can’t help but immediately lean against Paulo, craving his warmth. He feels so solid, yet comforting like Jan could melt into him. When the elevator dings, it’s all over, and Jan is dreading having to go back to his room and spend the rest of the night (or morning, whatever) staring up at the ceiling until his alarm goes off.

Paulo pulls Jan’s keycard out of his back pocket, to Jan’s surprise and lets himself in first before pulling Jan with him. They’re in the centre of the room, and Jan just stares at Paulo.

“What are you doing?” Jan asks. 

“I’m putting you to bed,” Paulo explains like it’s simple.

Jan’s face feels furiously hot. “I’m not a child.”

“I know,” Paulo smiles softly. “Let me take care of you?” 

He shouldn’t. This is crossing some kind of boundary, Jan isn’t sure, but he’s convinced that the person you fuck occasionally shouldn’t be tucking you into bed because you can’t sleep at night. Paulo sure as hell shouldn’t be pulling Jan’s shirt off for him. 

“It’s okay, I got it,” Jan laughs nervously when Paulo reaches for his waistband. Jan pulls down his pants and climbs on the bed. He’s surprised when Paulo doesn’t make any movements.

“What, you’re not going to tuck me in?” Jan teases him.

“Do you want me to?” 

“Uh,” Jan blinks. 

“I’m kidding,” Paulo grins. “You must be tired.”

“I am,” Jan says, he hates how honest he sounds. Paulo finally moves, he walks over to where Jan is sitting on the bed, climbs in with him and takes both of Jan’s hands in his own hands. 

“I hope you get good rest tonight,” Paulo says. He leans forward and places a chaste kiss against Jan’s lips. Jan leans forward because he wants more. He wants so much more than just a stupid goodnight kiss or whatever the fuck Paulo thinks he’s giving him. He pulls his hands out of Paulo’s loose grip, to place them on either side of Paulo’s jaw and bring himself closer. Their lips meet, and this time it isn’t chaste. This time Paulo opens his mouth easily for Jan to lick into. Jan feels Paulo’s arms wrap firmly around his waist, pulls him into Paulo’s lap.

Paulo’s hard, already. 

“Can I…” Jan trails off. He grinds down on Paulo instead.

“Yeah--yes,” Paulo says, already pushing Jan off of him and pulling down his sweats. Jan helps him out of his t-shirt.

“Lie back against the pillows,” Jan orders him. 

Paulo looks confused but does as told. “I thought—“

“Just want to thank you,” Jan says, setting between Paulo’s legs. 

Paulo tilts his head. “Thank you for what?” 

“Just--” Jan starts, thinking of what to say. “You know.”

Paulo opens his mouth to say…something, Jan isn’t sure what, but Jan ducks down and licks at the head of Paulo’s cock, and whatever Paulo wanted to say flies out the window. Paulo’s hand comes to rest on the top of Jan’s head, not doing anything, just laying there lightly, Jan tries to signal to Paulo that’s it’s okay, he can do whatever he wants to Jan by placing his free hand on Paulo’s thigh lightly, and Paulo’s hand turns into a fist, grabbing at Jan’s hair. 

Jan pulls off and says, “You know you can do whatever you want, right?”

Paulo gives him a look that looks too soft for a moment like this, so Jan decides to get back to work again. He wraps his hand around the base of it and puts his mouth back over his cock, as deep as he can, enjoying the way Paulo curses above him, pulling at his hair again. He likes the feeling of Paulo’s cock on his tongue, stretching his lips, his mouth, his throat. He likes that he doesn’t have to think about anything else but this. He likes taking Paulo’s cock until it’s at the back of his throat. 

“You can stop if it’s too--,” Paulo says to him, with a quiet, gentle voice. You would think he wasn’t getting his dick sucked, with the steadiness of his voice and if anything it only encourages Jan more. 

“Fuck, Jan,” Paulo breathes this time. He thrusts up lightly into Jan’s mouth as if trying to test the waters, and Jan moans around his dick affirmatively. And then he does it again, just as gently, until he’s got a slow rhythm, fucking Jan’s throat. His hips stutter when Jan moves his hands from Paulo’s thigh to cups his balls and Paulo moans, legs jerking, and he mumbles choked-off words that Jan can’t decipher. 

He wants to show Paulo his appreciation for the other day, and tonight, without words because he’s too embarrassed to say anything. He likes listening to the noises Paulo makes, the quick breaths he sucks in and moans, and the way Paulo’s thighs spasm. And the way the grip in Jan’s hair tightens, so tight it’s on the good side of painful when Jan sucks him down deeper.

And then Paulo finally comes, without warning but Jan swallows it down anyway, and Paulo’s cock slips from his mouth. Paulo bends over to swipes some come off his lips, and Jan opens his mouth again, looking at Paulo, challenging him. Paulo puts his thumb against Jan’s lip, and Jan sucks it.

“Jesus, Jan,” Paulo groans. “Come up here.”

Jan climbs over Paulo’s lap. Paulo wraps his hand around Jan’s cock, gives Jan one open-mouthed kiss and wipes his thumb over the head of Jan’s dick. 

Jan moans against his mouth, hands grasping at anywhere that he can touch Paulo: his neck and his shoulders and grips at his hair, desperate for Paulo to move. He lets his head fall back when Paulo finally begins to stroke him. When Paulo twists his wrist, Jan curses. Paulo collects pre-come, one more time, before closing his fist back around Jan’s dick.

Jan groans, fucking up into Paulo’s grip, teeth dug into his bottom lip. 

“Paulo,” Jan moans, fully wraps his arms around Paulo’s neck. Paulo bites at the hollow of Jan’s throat, hard, like he’s claiming his stake there. Like he wants everyone to know Jan is his. “Paulo.”

Paulo moans against Jan’s neck, flicking his tongue over what’s sure to be a purple bruise by tomorrow. Jan can’t find himself to care in a moment like this. Underneath it all, the idea of Paulo claiming him makes him even more aroused. Jan fucks up into his fist. His nails dig into the back of Paulo’s neck. He hopes that he leaves crescent-shaped marks there, he does, at the underside of his arms, anywhere. 

Jan comes so quickly, making a mess of himself and Paulo, but he doesn’t have time to be embarrassed, his afterglow is replaced promptly with fatigue. He can barely sit up, so he doesn’t bother, he collapses on top of Paulo’s chest. Paulo holds him like that until he catches his breath and then he rolls Jan over until he’s lying on his back.

Jan doesn’t open his eyes until Paulo is wiping him down, gently, and looking at him tenderly, and his eyes are bright and full of concern, and Jan wants to close his eyes again. 

“Do you want me to stay here tonight, Jan?” Paulo asks.

“Yes,” Jan says immediately.

“Okay,” Paulo says, he tosses the washcloth somewhere across the room before he climbs in next to Jan. He repositions Jan so that he’s lying on his side, and sidles up behind Jan, wrapping a firm and safe arm around Jan’s waist. Jan’s brain lets the exhaustion take over, and it doesn’t fight, doesn’t even try to as he closes his eyes and is asleep mere seconds later.

Only when Jan doesn’t wake up until his alarm is going off is when Jan realizes he has an even bigger problem on his hands.

—

“What’s this?” Toby pokes the mark on Jan’s neck. It’s still fresh, it’s from last night, and Jan hisses at the pain.

“Don’t,” Jan warns. 

“When did you have time to go out?” Toby leans back in his seat to properly give Jan a once over. “You look exhausted.”

“Homesick,” Jan says.

“I don’t believe you,” Toby says, he tries to poke it again like a fucking child, and Jan slaps his hand away a little too viciously.

“Chill,” Toby says.

“Stop touching me,” Jan snaps. “I swear--”

Toby frowns. “Hey, now, I’ll take shit from Dier, but not you.”

Jan rolls his eyes. “Don’t even start.

“You’re not gonna be a dick to me until I stop asking you,” Toby crosses his arms. He looks genuinely hurt, and Jan thinks maybe Tony doesn’t deserve that. 

“I’m sorry,” Jan sighs. “I just need sleep.”

“Don’t we all?” Toby laughs, putting Jan into a headlock. “You can talk to me, you know.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Jan says. “Just wish there were more hours in the day to sleep.”

“You okay, seriously?” Toby asks. 

“Yes,” Jan lies. 

Toby hums but doesn’t say much. Jan knows he doesn’t believe him, but he won’t press him. Jan supposes that’s a good thing about Toby, that he won’t fucking badger him until the truth comes out, but Jan wonders, if there was any good in telling the truth. If after telling someone what he’s going through, the only way to go is up, but he doesn’t want to try, he doesn’t want to see pity on anyone’s face, especially his close friends. 

He already got it from Paulo, and that’s embarrassing enough.

— 

Jan is dropped from the first game of the season. He shouldn’t be surprised, but he is. He shouldn’t be angry, but he is. He’s more mad at himself than anything else, but this cannot possibly be happening at this moment in time. He places his hands on his knees, takes a few deep breaths, and wills himself to calm the fuck down.

“Why?”

Poch levels him with a look. “You’re not in form.”

“I just played in the Audi cup!” Jan says in disbelief. “You saw me.”

“Jan, look at the bags under your eyes,” Poch says. “What do you do at night?”

“Sleep?” Jan lies. “I sleep. And what does that matter? I’m a professional footballer; I’m never going to do anything properly.”

“Not enough sleep,” Poch concludes in a tone that tells Jan he’s done arguing about it and has made up his mind.

“This is crazy,” Jan says. He sounds almost like the nonsense articles that Jan has read about himself. It’s bullshit. He doesn’t understand why this is happening to him.

“The motivation will come when you take proper care of yourself,” Poch says to him. 

“I am--” taking care of myself, Jan wants to say, but he doesn’t believe he is, in some way, he’s never really done that. Jan supposes that is that. That’s the end of the conversation, and there’s no budging Poch. He gets up and leaves without saying goodbye.

Jan finds Paulo later in the day. When they make eye contact, he nods his head toward a hallway that no one is hanging out in, and Paulo gets up from his conversation with Lamela and comes toward him. 

“Come over,” Jan says. It’s risky, they’re in public, not public public, but they’re around the team, even if they’re in a secluded area, but Jan wants Paulo to know. He needs him to know.“Want you to fuck me.”

Paulo ducks his head down and whispers in Jan’s ear, “I can do that.”

Jan smiles. 

“Paulo,” Jan swallows. “I have to tell you something.”

“Tell me, Jan,” Paulo pulls him impossibly closer. They’re standing by Jan’s front door.

“I can’t…” Jan closes his eyes. “I can’t sleep without you.”

Paulo looks more concerned, but he nods instead of expressing those concerns. “I have you, Jan.”

“I’m going to fuck you,” Paulo says when he finally gets Jan up the stairs, into his room and on his back on the bed, spread out for Paulo. Jan’s stomach jumps with excitement. Which is a little sad, he’s an adult.

“I know,” Paulo says, running a hand over Jan’s ass. “You want it.”

“Yeah, I do,” Jan says. Jan wants it, and he wants to forget all about today, he wants to fucking forget.

Jan doesn’t know how much time passed as he blanks out, but suddenly there are Paulo’s fingers, slicked up and pressing against his rim. He lets out a small moan. Paulo keeps teasing at Jan’s rim without actually pressing his fingers inside, and it’s driving Jan mad. He just wants Paulo to hurry up and fuck him until he can’t remember his name, he doesn’t know why Paulo is prolonging this.

“Relax and breathe,” Paulo says. “Why are you so tense?”

Jan tries to let himself relax enough so that Paulo can add another finger, which he finally does. Paulo begins stretching Jan open with just two fingers, and Jan can’t help but grind down on Paulo’s fingers because he needs more. Finally, Paulo pulls his fingers out and reaches for the package that indicates to Jan the real show is about to start.

“Please,” Jan begs, and whimpers with relief when Paulo finally rolls the condom on and lines himself up.

“I got you,” Paulo says firmly. 

The push of Paulo’s cock is blunt, an uncomfortable pressure Jan feels. It hurts a little, because he’s still tense, because maybe Paulo should’ve used another finger, but he knows he was rushing him. He’s still angry about everything, but Jan wants it, he needs it.

“Paulo,” Jan says, and he doesn’t even know what he’s asking for, but Paulo seems to know.

He grabs Jan’s hips and starts fucking him properly, shoving in hard and precisely, his cock brushing against Jan’s prostate with every so often. It’s so good. So good. 

“Please, more,” Jan says in a low whisper. He begs and begs. 

Paulo reaches under him and takes his cock in hand, and Jan hadn’t realized how much he needed this. Paulo jerks him hard and fast until Jan comes, Jan’s fingernails scratching at Paulo’s shoulder blades. 

“I’m so close, Jan,” Paulo says in his ear, biting at Jan’s earlobe.

His thrusts are getting so sloppy that Jan doesn’t even think there’s a proper rhythm anymore. Jan is so sensitive. Paulo grinds into Jan a couple more times before comes, too, a punched out moan coming from his throat.

Paulo pulls out of him slowly and gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back with a washcloth and cleans them both up like he always does.

“Come here,” Jan says. “Lie down with me. I want to sleep.”

“Feel better?” Paulo asks, kissing Jan’s cheek to his lips.

Jan nods, feeling sleepy. He could take a nap right now, and he does.

—

In the morning, Paulo is making him sit in his kitchen while he makes Jan breakfast. Jan is still a little sleepy, but he watches with adoration as Paulo maneuvers around Jan’s kitchen, occasionally asking where Jan keeps certain things needed for breakfast. When Paulo puts a cup of tea down in front of him, Jan is so grateful. Paulo makes breakfast for the two of them, and Jan steals the extra eggs that Paulo has let go cold when Paulo isn’t looking. Their legs get tangled under the dining table, and Jan doesn’t even feel the urge to kick them away. 

Suddenly the moment is ruined when Paulo brings up something Jan never thought would ever cross his mind when they’re settled back in Jan’s bed. 

“Do you think…” Paulo starts then he stops.

“Do I think what?” Jan asks.

“Do you think Dier and Dele are together?” Paulo asks.

“No way!” Jan splutters, sitting up. 

“Sounds convincing,” Paulo grins.

“No, they’re not,” Jan says. “Eric would have told me.”

“Maybe,” Paulo shrugs. “You don’t know for sure.”

“Why do you ask?”

Paulo shrugs. He looks away from Jan when he speaks. “I wonder if like… it’s possible to happen.”

“What’s possible?” Jan starts to feel bile rising in his throat.

“Being in a relationship with another footballer,” Paulo finally finishes. “Loving another man.”

“I don’t…” Jan wishes he wasn’t in this conversation. “I don’t know. I don’t know of anyone.”

“Me neither,” Paulo shrugs. “I was just curious.”

“I don’t think it’s possible,” Jan lies. “It’s too complicated.”

Paulo coughs. “Right.”

“So--”

“Can you drive me back to get my car?” Paulo asks, already sitting up in bed. Jan doesn’t know what he said to ruin the moment. Why the hell is Paulo asking about Dele and Eric in the first place? It’s none of his business. 

“Yeah,” Jan nods. “Let me wash up first.”

\--

Jan is already awake when Harry Kane’s name is on his phone. He knows what he’s calling for, and he knows because he was just in Eric’s hotel room last night, watching Eric and Dele make the same stupid decision over and over again. He was waiting for this.

“Harry,” Jan answers. He places a finger on his lips when he looks at Paulo who’s coming out from the bathroom to signal him to be quiet. Paulo nods in understanding, picking up his headphones, placing them over his head, and Jan continues, “Are you alright?”

“Do you know what’s going on with Dele and Eric?” Harry says instead of greeting him. 

“No--” 

“I walked in on them and then after I left, Dele came to my room and he,” Harry stops himself. He’s talking too fast, mumbling through his words and not giving himself time to breathe.

“Harry, slow down,” Jan says. 

“Did they tell you?” Harry asks again.

Jan can’t lie, he really can’t. “Yes. Eric did.”

“Was I the last person to be told?” Harry sounds extremely panicked. 

“No,” Jan says. “I’m the only one who knows.” 

“Dele cried for like, twenty minutes,” Harry finally finishes his original sentence. “I didn’t know what to say, and he wouldn’t even tell me--” 

“Oh,” Jan sighs. “You want me to talk to Eric?”

“I mean, yeah,” Harry says like it’s an obvious thing.

“I will,” Jan promises. “You can get about two more hours of sleep, Harry.”

“I can,” Harry sighs, and he sounds as tired as Jan feels. “Why didn’t they tell me?”

“It’s hard,” Jan says. “I’m sure it’s just hard for them to be vulnerable like that. They are already vulnerable with each other and, you know.”

“I know,” Harry says. “Okay, you get some sleep, too, Jan.”

With that, Harry hangs up, and Jan frowns at his phone, wondering what Harry meant by that. 

He hears Paulo clear his throat. “I thought you said--”

Jan suddenly feels a headache coming on. 

“It wasn’t my secret to tell,” Jan grits. “Were you seriously listening to my conversation?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Paulo says. “I only heard a little bit.”

Jan stands up. “Well, you heard enough. I’m going for a walk.”

Jan doesn’t come back until he has to, he just fucking walks and walks, because he doesn’t want to have to deal with this just yet, because Paulo knows now, Paulo knows that Jan lied to him, and even though he would definitely do it again because it’s Eric, because he knows Eric would do it for him, but fuck, he still feels fucking awful for doing it. 

Hours later, Jan spots Eric by the food, and all the anger that left Jan momentarily is back. He sees that Eric looks up from where he’s setting himself a plate of food and Jan is storming over towards him. 

“What the hell is the matter with you,” Jan hisses, and then promptly shoving Eric as hard as he can.

“Um,” Ben says.

“Hey,” Eric warns.

“You deserve it,” Jan puts his hands on his hips. He’s not going to put up with Eric’s shit now, not with this whole fucking morning. “Come outside now.”

“Jan, let’s not do this, now--”

“Eric.”

“Okay,” Eric puts down his plate of food. “I’m coming.”

Eric asks Ben to watch after his food, but he’s pretty sure he doesn’t hear him. If he doesn’t make a move in the next ten seconds, Jan is going to drag him outside by his earlobe. 

“You made Dele cry,” Jan says. “I know a lot of this is on him, but what’s going on? Really?”

Eric looks like he’s going to unload all the contents of what he just ate. Good, Jan thinks. “Dele was crying?”

“Harry said he came to his room and just started crying,” Jan says. “He said he doesn’t even know what’s happening. He caught you guys.”

“We weren’t doing anything--” Eric starts, and Jan almost rolls his eyes.

“Yeah?” Jan asks. “Do you think everyone on this team is an idiot? You don’t think people are worried about you guys?”

Eric’s face is white now, and maybe Jan shouldn’t have said that that wasn’t at all what he planned, but he’s exhausted, and he wants his friend to be happy, he deserves to be happy. 

“Eric, please,” Jan says quietly now. “You don’t have to make this harder than it has to be. You can talk to me.”

“I miss him so much,” Eric says finally. He puts his face in his hands and slides to the floor. Jan knows he does. He knows this of Eric, and he knows Eric cannot handle something like this for a long time until he finally breaks. Jan knew this was going to happen. “I love him so much. I see him every day, and it’s not the same. When we fuck it’s not the same, it feels like a fucking chore sometimes to give all that emotional effort. But it seems like that’s the only way we can be close.”

“I know,” Jan says, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You should tell him that.”

“I don’t know what he wants.”

“Ask him?” Jan says. Things would be so much simpler if people just communicated. “Eric what did I tell you about communicating?”

“I don’t remember,” Eric says because of course, he doesn’t.

Jan sighs. “And you hurt Harry Kane’s feelings.”

Eric lets out a surprised laugh, which makes Jan chuckle a bit himself. It’s such a silly thing, him and Dele, and there’s a simple solution that the two of them seem to be avoiding. Those idiots that Jan cares about so much.

“Okay, get up, now,” Jan holds out a hand.

Eric takes it, lets himself be pulled up before dusting his behind off. He sighs. “I guess I can’t hide forever.”

Jan shakes his head. “No, you can’t. Not from Harry.”

Jan knows how much Eric needs to hear it, even if he’s the last person on earth who should be talking about healthy relationships and how to cope. But he’s Eric’s friend, and Eric needs this more than Jan ever needed this. Eric is still so young, Dele even younger; this is just a minor inconvenience.

Things don’t work like that for Jan.

\--

What an embarrassing game is all Jan can think after. He hates that tonight. He won’t be like the others, who can sleep instead of thinking about it, how they let Olympiakos come back with two goals in the end. He hates that he’s going to be up all night thinking about his mistakes until his alarm goes off and then he has to get back on the flight where he probably won’t sleep again. He doesn’t want to do that tonight. 

He doesn’t want to be alone tonight. Jan thinks, he at least deserves some sleep after tonight, because he’ll go mad if he’s alone with his thoughts tonight. That’s why when he gets to his room, he doesn’t immediately strip off his clothes and take a shower and get ready to sleep, he 

“I’m sorry about this morning,” Paulo says. “I shouldn’t have--”

“I’m sorry for just leaving like that--”

Paulo frowns. “No, Jan, I overstepped.”

He did. But Jan doesn’t say anything towards that effect. He needs Paulo. He doesn’t want to do anything else to push him away. Paulo is so sweet and kind to him, so kind, too generous and Jan knows he doesn’t deserve it, he’s the last person that deserves Paulo’s affection, but it’s the one thing that keeps him sane, the one thing he can’t live without.

After that, Jan sees Paulo more often than not. They don’t talk about it, about how Jan needs to be completely wrapped up in Paulo to get some sleep. He needs sleep because he needs to play, he needs to prove himself to Poch, to the fans, to the media and more importantly to himself. He needs to know that he’s okay, that he’s still Jan Vertonghen and that he’s a damn good footballer, and this is just a struggle that he can get over. 

\--

Jan is stunned. He’s shocked at himself. He’s shocked at the team. He doesn’t know where the fuck they’re going wrong. He ends up in Paulo’s room, on his back, with Paulo exploring him. He’s more gentle than usual, Jan feels like there’s something caught in his throat. It’s like they’re not fucking, it’s like they’re doing something else. Like he doesn’t know why Paulo fucks him so slowly, why Jan isn’t begging him for more, why it feels just right, why Jan’s body is satisfied with just this, why Jan feels so safe. 

His body is deceiving him. He is deceiving Paulo.

Jan can’t take it with the Paulo is staring, staring down at him like he’s the most precious thing in the world. His eyes are so large and intense Iike this. Their lips are touching, but they’re not really kissing, just breathing. When Paulo finally kisses him, like finally, it’s so slow and soft, and Jan enjoys it so much, he moans into Paulo’s mouth, he hopes Paulo doesn’t pull away right now because there’s something on the tip of his tongue, something that Jan knows will ruin everything.

When Jan comes, Paulo follows shortly after. He can’t believe this is happening. He just wanted a distraction from the shitty fucking match. He looks away when Paulo cleans the both of them off, the wall much more entertaining, Jan tells himself. 

Paulo is silent, but when Jan looks at him as he settles in next to Jan, he seems thoughtful, brows furrowed like he’s got something to say.

Paulo sighs. “I like being with you, Jan.” 

“Oh,” Jan’s heart drops.

Paulo continues, “Maybe I’m alone in my feelings, but ever since you told me--it started feeling different, like it felt different for you, too? Do you agree?”

Jan nods because it’s true, it’s been different. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing. It’s not good, Jan hopes Paulo isn’t falling for him. Paulo deserves so much better. So much better than a broken Jan.

Jan knows he’s pathetic. He knows that Paulo is pouring out his heart to him, and Jan is about to break his heart.

“Jan, I have feelings for you,” Paulo says finally. “I can’t keep doing this unless you feel the same.”

Jan says nothing. His heart's beating so fucking loud in his ears, Paulo must hear it, too. His chest feels like it might implode, he feels like he’s going to collapse in on himself.

“Jan--”

“We can’t, Paulo,” Jan interrupts him before he spills his heart out even more. He’s saving Jan from himself.

“Why not?” Paulo asks, and he sounds so genuinely confused that Jan can’t do this anymore.

“I’m not-- I’m not in a good place,” Jan explains. It’s true, and he’s not, he’s not capable of loving Paulo the way Paulo wants him too, because Jan is just fucked up.

Paulo seems to mull that over. “But, you feel it too, don’t you? For me?”

“No,” Jan lies, even though mere seconds ago he was just nodding along to everything Paulo was saying.

“Okay,” is all Paulo says. “I’m going to go now.”

“Okay,” Jan echoes him. He might cry. He doesn’t know. He needs Paulo to leave right now, because he can’t look at his face, he can’t look at the mess he started and left to get worse. 

Jan goes back to forgetting the last time he got a good night’s rest. He goes back to forgetting what it’s like to have Paulo hold him until he falls into a deep sleep, he starts to miss the feeling of Paulo’s lips pressed against the back of his neck, not kissing him, just there.

\-- 

Eric invites Jan to come out and practice late with him. Jan doesn’t want to, he doesn’t, but he doesn’t want to say no to Eric. When Jan arrives at the pitch, Eric is already there, with a couple of footballs and waving very excitedly at Jan. Jan is glad to see Eric’s energy again. 

“No Dele?” Jan asks. 

“Went out with his mates,” Eric shrugs. “But we also do have lives outside of each other.”

“Hm,” Jan isn’t too convinced of that. “I’m sure you’ll both be texting each other non-stop. Ignoring me.”

“Never,” Eric smiles. 

A few minutes of passing the ball around, a one-on-one and Jan decides it’s time for them to take a break. He’s had a long day. He did a thorough cleaning of his home, something that he hadn’t done in a while because he’s so tired because he doesn’t ever leave his room when he’s home, because the last time Paulo was there, he washed Jan’s dishes and made Jan tea and spooned him to sleep.

“Eric,” Jan swallows, he looks down at the pitch.

“I can’t sleep,” Jan says. 

Eric looks lost. “What'd you mean?”

“I mean, I think I have a problem,” Jan explains. “I can’t sleep for more than two hours.”

“Jan,” Eric says. “Since when?”

“Since after Ibiza,” Jan says. “I didn’t realize it at first, thought it was just-- I don’t know.”

“Fuck,” Eric breathes. “Have you told the team?”

Jan barks out a laugh. “No. So they can bench me for the season for lack of sleep?”

“I don’t--” Eric pauses. “I think you have insomnia.”

“I know that,” Jan snaps. “I have google.”

Jan continues, “Paulo was helping and then--then we kind of fought and I don’t know what to do now.”

Eric blinks. “Paulo?”

“Yes,” Jan nods.

“What does he have to do with--”

“You know, I’ve been sleeping with Paulo?” Jan says, and he watches Eric drop the ball he was holding onto. “Or, fucking, whatever.”

“I never asked,” Eric says.

“Yeah,” Jan laughs, bitterly. He kicks the post a little too hard, hisses at himself. “You never fucking asked.”

“You never said anything to me.”

“Don’t,” Jan says, tired. “I was busy being your friend.”

“Then why the fuck are you mad?” Eric asks, himself getting annoyed.

“I’m not!” Jan shouts. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself.”

“Doesn’t sound like it,” Eric mutters. 

“Maybe I’m mad that you figured yourself out before me,” Jan admits.

“It’s not a bloody competition,” Eric furrows his brows. “Jan, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think it was important,” Jan says. “I just wanted to play, and I just wanted to focus on the future, I--I’m embarrassed.”

“You’re important to me,” Eric says. 

“And vice versa,” Jan agrees. “I know.”

Eric looks troubled like he can’t believe he didn’t see this happening right under his nose. Jan can’t believe it either. He doesn’t know why the fuck he’s let this go on for so long. He’s too old for this shit.

“You want a hug?” Eric asks. 

“I just want to sleep,” Jan says.

“I know,” Eric says. “And you need a hug.”

“If you insist,” Jan says. He doesn’t even finish his sentence when Eric is engulfing him in a hug. It’s tight and warm, and Jan doesn’t realize how much he’s missed the comfort, any kind of support. His eyes are stinging, and he doesn’t want to cry in front of Eric, so he puts his face into Eric’s shoulder.

“You have to tell Poch,” Eric says. “It’s the only way.”

“Can’t I just apologize to Paulo and then we just--” 

“No,” Eric says firmly. “You should apologize to Paulo, but no. That’s not how you get better.”

“I know,” Jan says. “I know.”

\--

“Jan?” Paulo says when he answers the phone.

“Paulo,” Jan sighs. “I did feel it.”

“Oh,” Paulo says. “Do you want to come over and talk?”

“Yes,” Jan doesn’t care how desperate he sounds. 

When Jan is sitting on Paulo’s couch, with Paulo examining him with his piercing eyes, he takes Paulo’s hand in his. 

“I do want to be exclusive,” Jan says. “I want to do this with you.”

“Then, why?” Paulo frowns. “Why did you shut me out?”

“I didn’t want you to know that I’m all kinds of fucked up,” Jan laughs wetly. “I don’t want to be vulnerable.”

“You’re not fucked up,” Paulo sighs. “Jan, is it because you can’t sleep?”

“Yeah,” Jan nods. “I need help.”

Paulo doesn’t say anything, which means he doesn’t disagree. Jan should have expected that. 

“I just want to warn you,” Jan says. “If you’re in it for the long haul, you’re going to have to deal with all of this.”

“Jan,” Paulo says with a half-smile. “I wouldn’t have said the things I said that last time if I didn’t already know that.”

“Okay,” Jan lets out a breath. “I’m going to tell Poch and the medical staff. And I guess-- I don’t know where I’m going to go from there.”

“The only way you can go is up,” Paulo shrugs.

“No,” Jan says, pushing Paulo away. “And don’t you dare laugh--this couch is not good for my back.”

Paulo smiles like he’s trying not to laugh. “Okay, would you like me to carry you upstairs?”

“You’d better not,” Jan says. “You can lead me upstairs.”

\--

Jan thinks telling Poch, and other parties was the most anticlimactic thing. He doesn’t know what he expected, for Poch to laugh in his face, say to him that what he’s dealing with is all in his head (it kind of is -- but he can’t get rid of it all on his own), maybe tell him he’s gone in January. Jan is just glad that the first thing that came out of Mauricio’s mouth was if he was okay. Jan feels okay, now, because he knows he’s not alone in this anymore.

Jan feels hopeful.

Jan stares at the bottle of pills. He’s read the instructions multiple times. He knows what he should and shouldn’t do. There are numerous things he can try:

  1. Relaxation techniques (he’s tried that in July, it didn’t work).
  2. Therapy (he’s definitely not opposed to that, but it is new, it’s something he really needs to think about).
  3. Medication.

The medication seemed like it would be the quickest solution, Jan knows that it’s not the end all be all, but it’s a step, and he guesses he might away try it. He looks at the glass of water Paulo left for him and the two pills beside the glass that he’s supposed to take.

He takes the pills. He fluffs the pillow as many times as possible and buries himself as deep as possible in the bed.

“It’s not working,” Jan calls Paulo on the phone after ten minutes. 

Paulo chuckles. “It’s not going to work immediately, Jan.”

Jan turns over, “I liked it better when you were fucking me to sleep.”

“No, you didn’t,” Paulo laughs.

“I didn’t,” Jan agrees. “But I hate that you’re not letting me sleep in the same bed as you.”

“I’m right here,” Paulo says. “Just in my room.”

“Come here?” Jan asks. “Read me a bed-time story?”

Paulo laughs, and it sounds like music to Jan’s ears. “Okay, sweetheart, I’ll be there in a moment.”

Paulo is there in mere seconds like he was already on his way out of his room when Jan called him. He’s got a book in his hand too like he took what Jan said seriously. 

Jan’s face is red. “You don’t have to read me a book.” He watches as Paulo settles into the spot beside him. The book he realizes isn’t in English, which makes sense, Jan supposes. 

“I read this novel a lot as a teenager,” Paulo explains to Jan. “It’s my favourite.”

“I won’t understand,” Jan says.

“It’s a science fiction,” Paulo shrugs. “Just listen to my voice.”

“Ugh,” Jan sinks further into the bed. “That’s all I want to do. I won’t ever be able to fall asleep, and your voice is too lovely.”

Paulo smiles at Jan. “Can I read this for you, now?”

Jan nods. It’s a few minutes of Paulo reading the book to Jan before his eyes begin to get heavier and heavier, so heavy that Jan can’t keep them open, and he’s missing out on a few words that Paulo is saying like he’s going in and out of consciousness. Jan finally succumbs to sleep.

When Jan wakes up, it’s seven in the morning, and he’s alone. He fell asleep around two, he thinks, and that’s five hours of sleep. Five hours he hasn’t gotten in so fucking long, he’s so happy about it. The side that Paulo was sitting in is cold, which means he really didn’t sleep there beside Jan, and if he did, he wasn’t there for long. It means Jan slept at least a couple hours without Paulo’s warm body near him to help him fall asleep. 

He immediately runs to Paulo’s room, the door is cracked slightly open and jumps on him, smiling at the way he makes an ‘oof’ sound. He doesn’t open his eyes, doesn’t move from where he’s hiding his face under the pillow, but he does say a muffled, “Jan?”

“What time did you go back to your room last night?”

“I don’t remember,” Paulo says after moments of collecting himself. “As soon as you fell asleep, I think.”

“This is my first time waking up,” Jan says. 

“You’re serious?” Paulo lifts his head, craning it as much as he can to peer at Jan. The pillow falls to the side.

“Yes,” Jan grins. He’s full-on grinning. He knows it’s going to be a long journey, he thinks, he knows there’s going to be nights where the pills don’t work at all, and he’s stuck thinking about silly mistakes he’s made in previous games, but fuck, knowing that at least seven out of ten times, or maybe more he can get a full night’s rest is fucking incredible. 

He lets Paulo flip them over, allows Paulo kiss him silly even though neither of them has brushed their teeth, he doesn’t care, he just wraps his arms around Paulo’s neck and enjoys the rest of his morning.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this angsty series, you’ve made it to the end :D
> 
> comments are appreciated :)


End file.
